the truth stinks

after reading austin's article on performative utterances, the one topic that still resonates within me was how the truth and trust is so essential in our lives. for instance with the phrase, "the cat is on the mat but i don't believe it is" may say something similar to, "i promise to be there but i have no intention of going." austin states that these utterances are "outrageous" to the extent where the phrases are insincere because one does not flat out say what they mean. there is a lot of hidden concepts within our culture where everybody must withhold certain impolite responses or statements that another person may take offense to. for instance if a friend invites me to their brother's funeral and i say that i promise to go or simply that i will go, then it is understood that i will more likely go than not. however in my mind, i may be thinking that i will definitely not go and that is in no sense false or strange because i have freedom of choice. but it is socially unacceptable to boldly state one's intention that may upset the listener, which is simply cruel.

however, it is not unusual to think these thoughts and say a seemingly contradictory phrase. it happens quite often to me where a friend says that they'll be at a meeting on time or at dinner on time, but end up arriving later. that is acceptable, but is it fair to assume that my friend had the intention of arriving late? no, certainly not since there are all sorts of events and situations that may tie us up and keep us from our promises. however, that does not prevent me from making a judgement on my friends character where even though i may forgive them for being tardy, i am allowed to hold this against them in the future where i may designate tasks or assign responsibilities to someone without a tainted record.

so often do we do this, we forgive but we never forget. we calculate and add up our number of good deeds and gifts to others, and we subtract points from our friends and acquaintances whenever they make mistakes. true friendship is when we are able to look past all these expenses and examine our relationships as a complete whole. it is not that i buy my friend drinks every saturday night and she treats me to brunch on sunday. true friendship is when you buy drinks every saturday night, forget that you bought her drinks and then want to treat her to brunch on sunday as well. it is important to remember that when we give, we must keep on giving and never hold past good deeds against them. my best friend dan and i take turns treating each other to meals, but that does not mean that neither i nor he wouldn't want to pay for every meal.

so, it is fine to think that friends arrive late to practice every session, but one shouldn't hold that against them in the future. we do not define enemies as people who take more than they give and friends as people who you have a +/- relationship of 0, but rather true friends are people who give and give and give and forget that they have given and give some more. at least that's what the inebriated anthropologist says.